i must apologise for my behaviour in the last blog i wrote. It has been deleted now, because it was stupid rambling. I don't want my blogs to become angry rambles. that's not why i started them. I'm a lot calmer now than the other day. i should of just went to sleep. Instead i switched the computer on and moaned, upsetting people i don't want to upset.
i love my family and friends to bits. Just got back from Newcastle and had such a nice time with my gorgeous sister, Shell. I needed the hugs she gave me. it was lovely and calmed me down so much. i never wrote that blog to upset anyone or to stick two fingers up at anyone who was worried about me.
i was mainly angry at myself and it came out in the wrong way. i'm angry because i put up that persona of i'm fine because i think people that get upset are weak. that's a really silly thing to think, but i know that now. i realise if i had wanted to be left alone i should of kept off facebook, especially my status updates. A wise woman told me today things that really put my stupid blog into perspective: i hurt the people that are looking out for me. they're not out demanding that you put a face on it like you can't be miserable we're just supporting you.'
Also, it wasn't anyones fault that my parents were splitting up then never bothered to tell me that it was ok until i arrived home after a day of fretting. i was so angry they didn't think it mattered to tell me they were fine. as if i didn't exsist.
i have never felt so lousey. i wish i could go back and never write that blog, but i can't. so i deleted it instead. let me sincerley say: if you read it, please don't hate me for it and i honestly didnt mean for people to take offence. if you never got to read it. good i am really glad you didn't. So next time you see or know i'm upset please don't take this blog to heart and not talk to me at all. oh, and if you're upset let your family help. their hugs are the best, well at least mine are.
lots of love and hugs and sincere apologies.
xxxxxxx
Thursday 15 January 2009
Sunday 4 January 2009
Love conquers all...even self loathing
Andrew has left me. Not forever dear friends, just for a little while. But as the reflecting blog helped put my thoughts into order i thought i would do another at the moment of feeling like half of me is gone so how did we get to this?. yeah get the tissues out as you delve into my love life....
Back in 2007 i was feeling pretty low. my boyfriend of over a year had just dumped me for an older more attractive girl. i have never felt like that before. like a piece of crap. Ever been to portland square? well yeah thats where i was dumped. pretty shabby seeing as we were at a private party with his family. he was texting her on his phone all night the bastard. i was physically sick when i read the words 'even my thong' and screamed at him a bit. so there i was cold and alone while he went back inside after begging me 'to keep in touch'. yeah right cockhead. the worst thing? i didnt see it coming. thats what pissed me off. he treated me like shit and i let him because i thought thats what love was. he never praised me i realise and when he was texting 'chip' (yeah stupid huh) i laughed at the name and all i got was 'its not as bad as george' how fucking rude. anyway so i rang my sister and got a taxi to see her. good old sue. but things started swimming around in my head. what did i do wrong? how long has he been cheating on me? oh my god hes been shagging her when he was at uni and coming back to me on weekends!
Anyway enough about him. i picked myself up and started playing around. i even pulled the cleaner ,Karl with a K, at work and took him to becca's party. We fooled around in the kitchen, but did not have sex honest! he turned out to be a wierdo anyway that rambled at me about his dead twin so i told him to leave. aaah fun times.
there were others, but they don't really matter. in APRIL after me and some friends went to see mcfly-yeah im not ashamed- and it being a wednesday we decided to go to the wheel. In there we were on a mission to set me up with someone.
And not trying to sound corny, but when i saw a guy over by the DJ box i thought wow! (please dont be sick) so after some school play-ground behaviour of my friend likes your friend etc i went over to said hotty.
LISTEN UP THIS IS IMPORTANT: i did not under any circumstances jump on him! i merely went up and started dancing with him. we looked at each other and then the kisses started. if the question ever comes up on big fat quiz of the year or anything remember, ANDI started the kiss and he shoved me against the DJ box. phew it was hot. big hot romance was what it was! anyway we exchanged numbers and introduced to each others friends then i had to go and did the call me gesture. It was the greatest night of my life.
i couldnt stop grinning. i remember waking up and saying hello to my dad. he asked how last night was and i told him i had met a guy (granted i had told him that two weeks ago, but i knew this was something special) then i dont know why but i thought maybe hes forgotten my name so i text him saying hi this is GEORGIE haha hope you had a good night. BOOM he was so mine. then he rang me that night interrupting my lee evans watching. rude. i remember sitting on the kitchen table and talking about our likes and dislikes. my first thought: this guy is way to cool for me!
anyway, we were inseperable and he took me on dates. proper gentleman. One day he was two hours late so he turned up at my house with a present. oh no not flowers or chocolates, a necklace!! it was amazing! i love that necklace. and he is the reason i am addicted to family guy. up until then i used to think he was so funny. like extremely funny. then i realised he had just been quoting family guy to me the last few months. genius.
enough of the remenicing anyway my eyes are tired. really all i wanted to tell you was that Andi is the most attentive boyfriend i've ever had. he holds my hand, cuddles me and generally makes me feel safe. i really truly believe theres someone out there for everybody and im so lucky to have found mine. i have never felt so comfortable around a boy before. there are no awkward silences when we are together and i can tell him anything, even the really embarrassing and shocking things. plus he makes me smile and occasionally laugh my socks off. but dont tell him that.
the best thing that has happened to me after meeting andi is my confidence boost. before then i was shy and quiet and hated myself, actually. i was this ugly duckling sitting in the corner, but this hot guy was interested in me and i thought YES! finally. He doesn't understand why im so self-loathing and tells me again and again what an amazing person i am and honestly, it really does help my self esteem.
so this is why i am not going to let a little thing as him going away get me down. we talk everyday and when we put the phone down, however im feeling at the time, im always without fail smiling from ear to ear. nobody looks out for me like he does and just knowing that he loves me is enough.
so people. i know your worried i crying into my pillow, im not. No im not going to lie im not having a party right now and jumping round my room, but im fine. i have a great family and great friends that will help me through this.
apparently i have changed in the past because of boys. i think andi has changed me for the better. i can look in the mirror now and think 'yeah your not hideously ugly, you'll do' my god. andis even seen me in the morning- eek and eating melting icecream and spaghetti. ha not a pretty sight, but i don't care hes great and he loves me for me.
im going to stop now, your sick bucket is probably full to the brim and i dont want it to overflow. so if you have found someone keep them if you havent find them. this aint no mills and boon.
good night boys and girls
xxx
Back in 2007 i was feeling pretty low. my boyfriend of over a year had just dumped me for an older more attractive girl. i have never felt like that before. like a piece of crap. Ever been to portland square? well yeah thats where i was dumped. pretty shabby seeing as we were at a private party with his family. he was texting her on his phone all night the bastard. i was physically sick when i read the words 'even my thong' and screamed at him a bit. so there i was cold and alone while he went back inside after begging me 'to keep in touch'. yeah right cockhead. the worst thing? i didnt see it coming. thats what pissed me off. he treated me like shit and i let him because i thought thats what love was. he never praised me i realise and when he was texting 'chip' (yeah stupid huh) i laughed at the name and all i got was 'its not as bad as george' how fucking rude. anyway so i rang my sister and got a taxi to see her. good old sue. but things started swimming around in my head. what did i do wrong? how long has he been cheating on me? oh my god hes been shagging her when he was at uni and coming back to me on weekends!
Anyway enough about him. i picked myself up and started playing around. i even pulled the cleaner ,Karl with a K, at work and took him to becca's party. We fooled around in the kitchen, but did not have sex honest! he turned out to be a wierdo anyway that rambled at me about his dead twin so i told him to leave. aaah fun times.
there were others, but they don't really matter. in APRIL after me and some friends went to see mcfly-yeah im not ashamed- and it being a wednesday we decided to go to the wheel. In there we were on a mission to set me up with someone.
And not trying to sound corny, but when i saw a guy over by the DJ box i thought wow! (please dont be sick) so after some school play-ground behaviour of my friend likes your friend etc i went over to said hotty.
LISTEN UP THIS IS IMPORTANT: i did not under any circumstances jump on him! i merely went up and started dancing with him. we looked at each other and then the kisses started. if the question ever comes up on big fat quiz of the year or anything remember, ANDI started the kiss and he shoved me against the DJ box. phew it was hot. big hot romance was what it was! anyway we exchanged numbers and introduced to each others friends then i had to go and did the call me gesture. It was the greatest night of my life.
i couldnt stop grinning. i remember waking up and saying hello to my dad. he asked how last night was and i told him i had met a guy (granted i had told him that two weeks ago, but i knew this was something special) then i dont know why but i thought maybe hes forgotten my name so i text him saying hi this is GEORGIE haha hope you had a good night. BOOM he was so mine. then he rang me that night interrupting my lee evans watching. rude. i remember sitting on the kitchen table and talking about our likes and dislikes. my first thought: this guy is way to cool for me!
anyway, we were inseperable and he took me on dates. proper gentleman. One day he was two hours late so he turned up at my house with a present. oh no not flowers or chocolates, a necklace!! it was amazing! i love that necklace. and he is the reason i am addicted to family guy. up until then i used to think he was so funny. like extremely funny. then i realised he had just been quoting family guy to me the last few months. genius.
enough of the remenicing anyway my eyes are tired. really all i wanted to tell you was that Andi is the most attentive boyfriend i've ever had. he holds my hand, cuddles me and generally makes me feel safe. i really truly believe theres someone out there for everybody and im so lucky to have found mine. i have never felt so comfortable around a boy before. there are no awkward silences when we are together and i can tell him anything, even the really embarrassing and shocking things. plus he makes me smile and occasionally laugh my socks off. but dont tell him that.
the best thing that has happened to me after meeting andi is my confidence boost. before then i was shy and quiet and hated myself, actually. i was this ugly duckling sitting in the corner, but this hot guy was interested in me and i thought YES! finally. He doesn't understand why im so self-loathing and tells me again and again what an amazing person i am and honestly, it really does help my self esteem.
so this is why i am not going to let a little thing as him going away get me down. we talk everyday and when we put the phone down, however im feeling at the time, im always without fail smiling from ear to ear. nobody looks out for me like he does and just knowing that he loves me is enough.
so people. i know your worried i crying into my pillow, im not. No im not going to lie im not having a party right now and jumping round my room, but im fine. i have a great family and great friends that will help me through this.
apparently i have changed in the past because of boys. i think andi has changed me for the better. i can look in the mirror now and think 'yeah your not hideously ugly, you'll do' my god. andis even seen me in the morning- eek and eating melting icecream and spaghetti. ha not a pretty sight, but i don't care hes great and he loves me for me.
im going to stop now, your sick bucket is probably full to the brim and i dont want it to overflow. so if you have found someone keep them if you havent find them. this aint no mills and boon.
good night boys and girls
xxx
Friday 2 January 2009
reflection, reflection
well, here i am. some may say a copycat. some may say good for you george. but others im sure won't really give a damn. so good scan it, read it, analyse it whatever.
But, really im just very bored and alone so i thought as i have laughed and shed the odd tear over some of my journalist friends blogs i thought it would be interesting to do some reflecting of my own.
Right, well 2008 has been a whirlwind. i can still remember 2008's new years day when i was recovering from a really bad hangover and trying to eat the dinner sandra had prepared. Still, at least i didnt look as bad as liam did. ha.
My dog died in 2008. Well puppy if you're going to be picky. I still miss Bailey, but i look back and feel slightly embarrased at the way i handled that situation. I curled up into a ball and said go away to the world, which in 'reflection' was really stupid. Tasha lost a relative not long after and came in to college the same day and i didn't go to college for a week because of a relative that wasn't even the same species put it into perspective. I was shocked to be honest though when it happened and my dad blamed himself. I've never seen a man cry like that before, actually not even a human being. He couldn't even bury her himself so i had to do it. Lots of other stuff came out in between his sobs, which i won't share, but believe me it was heart wrenching stuff.
My dad is a complicated human being, but this last year i think has been the best between us it has been in a while. i had been turned against him years before and would do the cringey screaming running up the stairs shouting 'i hate you' thing which is not pretty. but actually hes quite a good guy and has done a lot for me over the years. so he got married this year. it was a pretty whirlwind thing, but i think its the best decision hes made in a while. i love sandra and my new extended family.
some say my family and life is like a soap opera and sometimes i have to agree. family is a complicated thing, but i love mine to bits. Stacey and nathan are lovely and i really miss nath now hes at uni. But also this year it let me get to know liam some more. i just saw him as this annoying chav that was horrible to his mother, but this year i've seen the nice, funny side to liam and really i was wrong about him.
another person i was wrong about was mr adam montgomery. aaah adam we've become good friends this last year. i used to think that he was just the annoying friend of Graham Kelly's. how wrong i was. Adam, like my father, is a comlicated person. i dont try to understand him. now he is just adam who i will stick up for if i think people are being unreasonable about him. hes silly and he makes me laugh and i hope we remain good friends. He is the role model for geeks trying to find their place in social circles, sometimes going to far it must be said, but i mean that in the nicest possible way.
another shocker of the year: mr aaron returning. i didnt think he would do it and at the time i didnt care either. i thought he didnt like me so i turned my back on him. im glad he came back though and i will always remember our drunken heart to heart in Terminal 1. aaah
Of course Tash i cant forget you! ms Hannon has been the backbone to my time at uni. unlike me, she says how she feels and there were times when i wish i could be like that. im a coward really i just like to bitch without actually having it out with the person. im not good in awkward situations either and when im uncomfortable i just use humor as a mask you might say. i hated adam and tash not getting along im so glad they have worked it out now because i love them both in their own ways. Tash, i couldnt have done uni without you!
You always think the people you have known the longest will always be there for you, but then you realise that people change. this happened to me this year. i have no idea what happened maybe we are just too different now, but im happy for them to not want to be my friend. get on with it i really couldnt give two shits. i think they thought i would be bothered and when it became clear we were officially 'ex-friends' i thought i honestly dont care it was amazing. the friends i still have are better than you anyways and its just a waste of time us pretending to get on.
Its been both an amazing and tough year for my relationship. Me and Andi are rock solid, but i know there are some pessimists out there that have £50 riding on this cocking up. Well better save up your pennies mr because i am not letting this go. Andi is amazing. Him joining the army is the best thing he has ever done in his life (as far as im aware) and its stopped him bumming around. Im not going to lie there have been times this year when i thought oh my god this is hard. We went on our first holiday together before he joined the army which was amazing. i had never been on holiday with a boy before hehe. then he broke his leg, trust him, and has been back for a couple of weeks and now to gear up for him leaving me again.
so yeah, a funny year all in all. i've made friends and lost friends, lost family and gained family, lost andi and gained a cripple. haha only kidding, i never lost him.
peace out kids.
xxx
But, really im just very bored and alone so i thought as i have laughed and shed the odd tear over some of my journalist friends blogs i thought it would be interesting to do some reflecting of my own.
Right, well 2008 has been a whirlwind. i can still remember 2008's new years day when i was recovering from a really bad hangover and trying to eat the dinner sandra had prepared. Still, at least i didnt look as bad as liam did. ha.
My dog died in 2008. Well puppy if you're going to be picky. I still miss Bailey, but i look back and feel slightly embarrased at the way i handled that situation. I curled up into a ball and said go away to the world, which in 'reflection' was really stupid. Tasha lost a relative not long after and came in to college the same day and i didn't go to college for a week because of a relative that wasn't even the same species put it into perspective. I was shocked to be honest though when it happened and my dad blamed himself. I've never seen a man cry like that before, actually not even a human being. He couldn't even bury her himself so i had to do it. Lots of other stuff came out in between his sobs, which i won't share, but believe me it was heart wrenching stuff.
My dad is a complicated human being, but this last year i think has been the best between us it has been in a while. i had been turned against him years before and would do the cringey screaming running up the stairs shouting 'i hate you' thing which is not pretty. but actually hes quite a good guy and has done a lot for me over the years. so he got married this year. it was a pretty whirlwind thing, but i think its the best decision hes made in a while. i love sandra and my new extended family.
some say my family and life is like a soap opera and sometimes i have to agree. family is a complicated thing, but i love mine to bits. Stacey and nathan are lovely and i really miss nath now hes at uni. But also this year it let me get to know liam some more. i just saw him as this annoying chav that was horrible to his mother, but this year i've seen the nice, funny side to liam and really i was wrong about him.
another person i was wrong about was mr adam montgomery. aaah adam we've become good friends this last year. i used to think that he was just the annoying friend of Graham Kelly's. how wrong i was. Adam, like my father, is a comlicated person. i dont try to understand him. now he is just adam who i will stick up for if i think people are being unreasonable about him. hes silly and he makes me laugh and i hope we remain good friends. He is the role model for geeks trying to find their place in social circles, sometimes going to far it must be said, but i mean that in the nicest possible way.
another shocker of the year: mr aaron returning. i didnt think he would do it and at the time i didnt care either. i thought he didnt like me so i turned my back on him. im glad he came back though and i will always remember our drunken heart to heart in Terminal 1. aaah
Of course Tash i cant forget you! ms Hannon has been the backbone to my time at uni. unlike me, she says how she feels and there were times when i wish i could be like that. im a coward really i just like to bitch without actually having it out with the person. im not good in awkward situations either and when im uncomfortable i just use humor as a mask you might say. i hated adam and tash not getting along im so glad they have worked it out now because i love them both in their own ways. Tash, i couldnt have done uni without you!
You always think the people you have known the longest will always be there for you, but then you realise that people change. this happened to me this year. i have no idea what happened maybe we are just too different now, but im happy for them to not want to be my friend. get on with it i really couldnt give two shits. i think they thought i would be bothered and when it became clear we were officially 'ex-friends' i thought i honestly dont care it was amazing. the friends i still have are better than you anyways and its just a waste of time us pretending to get on.
Its been both an amazing and tough year for my relationship. Me and Andi are rock solid, but i know there are some pessimists out there that have £50 riding on this cocking up. Well better save up your pennies mr because i am not letting this go. Andi is amazing. Him joining the army is the best thing he has ever done in his life (as far as im aware) and its stopped him bumming around. Im not going to lie there have been times this year when i thought oh my god this is hard. We went on our first holiday together before he joined the army which was amazing. i had never been on holiday with a boy before hehe. then he broke his leg, trust him, and has been back for a couple of weeks and now to gear up for him leaving me again.
so yeah, a funny year all in all. i've made friends and lost friends, lost family and gained family, lost andi and gained a cripple. haha only kidding, i never lost him.
peace out kids.
xxx
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